Caught the season premiere of “The Bachelorette” last evening. The producers have really outdone themselves this time, scouring our vast country for an elite group of devilishly handsome guys who may or may not be legally retarded. These potential suitors made sure to put their best foot
in their mouthforward and Emily really appreciated it. (Or at least I think she did. It’s very hard to tell since her botoxed forehead and eyes refuse to show any emotion other than “surprised fear.”) As I watched, I jotted down some helpful tips for any fella looking for love on a nationally televised reality show, so this is all in chronological order. (This post also syncs up perfectly to “Dark Side of the Moon.” Push play NOW!)
It’s important to possess the ability to stare wistfully at bodies of water. Bonus points if swans or ducks make a cameo in the shot, but you can use your dog if no water fowl are available. Remember to look extra wistful.
If you can’t stare at water, that’s okay. You can do pull ups! Make sure to be shirtless or in a tank top. Failing your ability to do pull ups, just remove your shirt and yank on some rope. Because ladies love a guy who can yank it.
Haircuts say a lot about you. If you have a hairstyle similar to the crown of a silverback gorilla, it says “Me want love you now.”
Talk about the “passion in your life. That passion is fitness.”
Don’t be afraid to use your small infant children to pander to America’s heart strings. If their mother died or cheated on you, extra points! You’ve been hurt! And that makes us like you more.
Say things like, “The one thing missing in my life is a partner.”
Or “What has two thumbs and is going to marry you? This guy.”
Be the token black guy. But then act whiter, because she will never pick the black guy.
Showcase your talents. Like being a singer/songwriter. Demonstrate your writing prowess by composing a song that only repeats the girl’s name over and over. Sing it slightly off-key. (If choosing this method, it’s helpful to bring a bank statement to prove that you can pay your rent/possess money.)
Be confident in your stupidity. Phrases such as “This woman is everything I am looking for,” when you’ve never actually met her are pure gold. “There’s GOING to be a chemistry there,” is a good backup statement.
Talk about your life changing accident. You know, the one that happened at that party when you fell off the balcony and gave you brain damage? Unsubtly hammer the point home by quipping, “I may have had a head injury but there’s nothing wrong with my heart.” Also, stop falling off balconies.
Embrace your inner hipster. Great accessories for this include a skateboard, a jean jacket and a James Dean bouffant. Bitches love James Dean. When you skateboard up to meet the future love of your life, after announcing how glad you are that you didn’t “wreck,” it’s entirely common to casually throw your skateboard into the bushes.
Be a Formula One race car driver. Then you can strut slowly down the track in your fire retardant suit.
Remember to stare at things! If water is lacking, you may gaze at a landscape. But only if you squint slightly.
Turn your swagger up to 11 before exiting the limo. A loping gait and a sly grin goes a long way in making a first impression.
Remember how pleased you are to meet her. Say things like “I’m SO pleased to meet you.” If you think you’re not pleased enough, add more pleasure.
Nevermind. You should be “truly blessed” to stand in front of this woman.
You can never overuse the following lines: “I just want you to follow your heart,” “I think we can get through this together,” “I’m looking for my princess,” “You are stunning RIGHT NOW,” “I desperately want a rose,” and “If I went home tonight, that would be devastating.”
If you’re a biology teacher, you don’t need nerd glasses. You can whip them off as though you’re Clark Kent revealing he’s Superman. Try to capture some of Clark’s suaveness by saying something like, “I’m here to have chemistry with you.”
Be more Brazilian.
Be a creepy hugger. Make sure those hands linger and your facial expression correctly displays that this is the first contact you’ve had with a female in several years.
Have a name like Jackson.
If you think you’re hamming it up a little, throw caution to the wind and go for it. Try getting down on one knee and reciting poetry that would make most women nauseous.
Do cocaine before you get out of the limo. Then dance as though you have to take a shit while you approach her. Later, forget if you ever mentioned your name during your coked-up entrance stupor.
Rock a skinny tie. The skinnier, the better. If you can get away with just wearing a piece of string as a tie, that’s the best.
Girls love performers, so bring along the Coby boombox that you bought at RadioShack for $14.99. Wear a green shirt, dance like a reject from “America’s Best Dance Crew,” and grin like an 8th grader who just saw his first nipple. Introduce yourself as an entertainer.
Pretend she’s Cinderella and bring her a glass slipper on a pillow. Force that fucker on her foot and then walk away, leaving her with mismatched shoes, ONE OF WHICH IS MADE OF GLASS.
Call all the other competing guys “bro.”
After your initial 45-second meeting with the Bachelorette, go in the mansion and immediately tell all the bros broing out in the back “what a catch” that girl is.
Impersonate your grandmother. Hobble up, over-acting the role, then give her the big reveal: that you’re average looking, have an affinity for vests, are unfunny and unable to act.
Don’t behave normally. Everyone hates that. Most of all, the producers.
Bring an ostrich egg as a symbol of how well you can take care of a baby. Also, make sure to flare your French cuffs over your suit sleeves. Because it’s 1996. Also, have a mohawk. Fight all the other bros who make bad breakfast jokes about cooking your touchingly sweet gesture.
Greet all the other bros with, “What’s up, dawg?!” It lets them know you’re a bro like them. And that you have lived under a rock since 1999.
Grow long, silky hair that looks like a wig, but is really not. Casually tuck it behind your ears the way you’ve seen every woman ever do it.
Be a marine biologist. It worked for George Costanza.
Forget the limo. Opt to arrive in a helicopter. It’ll surely make all the other bros jealous. And automatically designate you as the villain for the season.
Make effigies in the form of bobble heads of you and the Bachelorette. Then talk through them as puppets because you’re too scared to have an actual conversation with a real live woman.
Keep mentioning the Bachelorette’s deceased fiancée! Bonus points if you can work in the manner of his death.
Have your 12-year-old offspring write her a letter – scratch that, a short novel – and make her read it aloud. Express mock concern when the cheesy lines that you feed your kid are read aloud: “Gosh, I didn’t know that was in there!”
Stare on jealously as someone else gets the first rose. Remember to clench your jaw so to avoid saying something stupid (Again). After all, quiet rage is the best rage.
If you follow all these rules and, for some freak reason, are not selected for the season, when doing your final interview, show the girl what she’s missing by removing your shirt and flexing. That’ll teach her!
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